Adventure/Outreach

I was sitting in my parents' living room yesterday when my mom asked me "Tom, what do you hope to accomplish in life...how do you want to live?" Interesting question...it seems that I've been giving that a lot of thought lately.

This weekend on the way home I found myself frustrated from being away from my friends in Kearney...people who understood me...we were on the same page. Moving here to Lincoln has been an adjustment, and a necessary one at that. As I looked to Memorial Day weekend and the fact that I had little planned, I kinda got that empty feeling inside. I helped my uncle move from McCook to Lincoln on Saturday...but then I had 2 days....all the cleaning was done...the lawnwork knocked out...my room in order....now what? I felt God leading me back to what I've been driven by for the past several months....help people. I decided to go help out at my parents' house...something constructive to do instead of sitting around and dwelling on things...and it made all the difference in my weekend.

Our last mission trip to Mexico changed me...something inside of me was either broken or established (maybe both) during that trip...but something is not the same as before. When I had the priveledge of giving Bibles to the families of miners who had been killed, I learned so much...some of which can't be described here, or anywhere really. It just is. Anyway, I found that people are most receptive to the Gospel when they want Hope. They want to know that everything can be o.k. again...they want to know. Most people, I believe, always have a question within them regarding the existence of God...and tragedy often brings that question to the forefront. The faces I saw during that week have been burned into my memory and onto my heart. I can't work for myself anymore.

There was a time in my life when I would have been perfectly happy with an 8 to 5 job...being owned by the Man until the weekend comes (much like my current summer situation)...and waiting to die. Working towards retirement so that I can sit around then and be bored...or maybe then I'd really live and take trips around the country (unfortunately, I would probably have chronic back pain from sitting in a desk all day for the past 30 years...but at least I'd be retired, right? Or I could die before then, an unhappy and unfulfilled man).

Looking at that life now strikes fear into me. A life in which I work for myself, my wife, and my kids just isn't enough for me. Yeah, I want to provide for them...but I feel as though I have been entrusted with much more...I am able to do much more...and I won't be happy until I do it. I can't sit in my air-conditioned home knowing full well that people around the world are suffering...it was easier when they were all faces on t.v....now they are in my head and on my heart...real faces reflecting real lives and persons...real problems that only Jesus' love can cure. I am haunted by the passage "the harvest is plentiful, but the laborers few". Why? What could be more important in life than to show people the hope of Jesus? I think of my life and I think...even if I became the greatest lawyer in the history of the United States...so what? It does nothing for the soul of those who are suffering...what comfort does that bring?

I've been thinking a lot lately of joining the Peace Corps after law school. I want to learn Spanish and help out in Latin America...seems like a good way to do it. I still have a dream and maybe a calling to start my own mission organization without paid staff...we'd all be "tent-makers" so to say...paying our own ways.

I feel compelled to live that way...not doing so would make me miserable, I think. A life without serving the hurting of the world would be meaningless to me...it would lack adventure...it would lack purpose. I want to work and make money and go....go without caution or inhibition. That's the life I believe I was called to live.

patience

Patience is a virtue. I agree with that. Last week at work we had a mason threaten to leave the job and quit his job with our company in general because he wasn't getting his way. Though watching a 50 year old guy throw a tantrum is funny for a bit...it soon becomes sad. No patience. I find that at work I lose my patience as well. While I'm working, a lot of things are demanded of me. I carry loads of bricks and lots of concrete all day...walk up and down ladders...it's tough sometimes. Even more tough when being yelled at....even worse when you're working with a guy who throws tantrums every five minutes (same guy from above). I find myself losing my joy quickly. I lose my patience...haven't lost my total cool yet...but I've felt hot under the collar a couple of times (quicker than it usually takes). By the time I get home from work I am ready to be home...and not always in the best of moods. I think it's all because I'm impatient. When things go wrong outside of work as well...I have even less patience than before. I find myself getting mad quickly...my body's tired and aches...I get mad quicker...sad but true.

Patience isn't something that has been taught in our culture all that well. We hear that patience is a virtue, but how often do we live it? I get impatient with people who don't go fast enough in the parking garage, with guys who I don't think pull their weight in work, with friends who don't pull their weight as friends, with churches who neglect their duties....impatience. I think my problem in each of the above scenarios is that perfection wasn't reached at the perfect time...and that usually causes some form of hardship for me. Our culture is all about comfort...we have fast food, fast cars, get-and-go's, breakfast bars, and electric nose-hair trimmers (I've seen 'em). I wonder if we like things to be rushed because if we don't rush then we have to spend time with ourselves in the deafening quiet of the day. When we sit alone, are we satisfied with ourselves? Is busyness simply a way to push away the real issues of our lives.

When I get impatient it generally doesn't have much to do with the other person (or inanimate object), but an overall attitude I have adopted (that's wrong) for the day. I have control over it...when I read through Job and I see a guy who's life was all but taken away (literally) still praising God, I know that the course of my life should not be steered by events that occur...rather my life is steered by the way in which I react to those events.

So, a guy doesn't work like he should? Either pick up the slack or talk to him about it...getting impatient and angry does nothing constructive...you waste 5 minutes thinking about it and then you're the one not pulling your weight. A car moves too slowly in the parking garage? Praise God for the chance to slow down and ponder a bit. A friend doesn't pull his/her weight? Spend your energy constructively by finding a real friend. Life's better when it's constructive...

inspiration

Sometimes I get on here to write and all I can do is stare at the blinking curser. Sometimes I just don't feel inspired to write anything. It seems that when I am physically busy or my mind is kept busy with meaningless tasks, I don't think like I normally do (or at least how I would like). I am not all that satisfied with the way the world is right now...with some of the answers I've been given on why things are the way they are (though not all). I think sometimes, however, I become most frustrated with those who have the answers but lack the inspiration to do anything about the state of the world. Christians have the answers...

Inspiration is key...it's what motivates us to do things...what pushes us onward and upward. An uninspired life is tough to live. I don't want to sit and stare at the blinking curser of life as it slowly passes me by. I want inspiration...each day I want to see as a blessing...each day I want to see in a new light. In reality, however, monotony often takes hold. I unwantingly take relationships for granted, take my health and safety for granted, take my relative wealth compared to the 3rd worlds that surround us for granted, etc. etc. I always love to get a reality check or something to let me see the world in a new light.

There's a song by Mike McClure called Haunt Me No More...I always thought these lyrics were interesting...

Sometimes when you're running
It's best you just slow down
When life ain't fun no more
You better take a damn good look around
Go make some changes, this is your canvas to paint
And don't let nobody try to tell you that you can't

I guess when I feel uninspired I try to get inspired. I don't know how it works...sometimes it has to do with hanging out with people. People and interactions inspire me. I've had less of that now, but it's been good to recharge and spend some time with just myself..."sometimes when you're running it's best you slow down"...

I want an inspired life regardless of what I'm doing. If I find myself at the age of 40, hating my job and my location, etc....I'll make some changes. We're only given one canvas to paint and in the end I hope to give God a picture that depicts a good, full life. I don't think I'll find that by carrying brick all day...but I love the place my job puts me in. I think it makes me patient and I have never wanted to be the guy that sits in the office without ever having done a real day of work in his life. Afterall, one cannot fully appreciate an office if he hasn't been out to work with his hands. That's how I see it anyway. I want to go through tough things so that I can fully appreciate the good times. Besides, bad times often inspire me. Without bad times there would be no reason for change...and change is what inspires me...

war...

War is an interesting topic. It seems today that war has become fashionable. By this I mean it has become either fashionable to be an extreme patriot and believe/follow whatever the commander in chief says and on the other extreme it has become fashionable to protest war is if we are in another Vietnam (if we were in a Vietnam, I would have been drafted already). So, in both of those lights, I become frustrated with people's perceptions of war.

When the War in Iraq began several years back, I was 100% supportive of it. In my previous post on the death penalty I may have already stated this...but that was at a point in my life when I was somewhat blood thirsty...to hell with all murderers and terrorists. I remember a quote by Norman Swarzchoff "It's not right for us to judge terrorists...that's God's job. Our job is to arrange the meeting". You could say that's how I felt. I even thought about joining the army to go whoop up on some terrorists. Now, I don't know how to feel about war. In the old testament, we have leaders such as Joshua killing man woman and child to erradicate evil from a land. In the New Testament we have Jesus forgiving his murderers on the cross...a 360 change.

For me, I see war as a necessary evil. My brother has a picture that says "War is evil....and so are murderous dictators who rape their societies and prey upon the weak". I think war is a last resort and should not be conducted for economic purposes. I don't feel the war in Iraq had to do with economic purposes overtly and I believe it was a justified war. That does not make me a War Hawk...I don't believe in all wars. I don't believe in Imperialism...I believe in liberation and the use of war to achieve the greatest good. Killing...still not a fan of it. I'd rather convert all of our enemies to Christianity.

I think of war like this...if there was a homeless guy on the street and you walked by and watched him get beaten and robbed by thugs, would Jesus not want you to defend him? You didn't look for the fight, that's for sure. But you see a weak member of society being preyed upon...how could you stand by? It's different to walk down the street and punch some random guy walking by...that's how war is used sometimes. War is not glorious...war often, however, calls men to love their friends to the death (true love according to Jesus) and that's glorious. There is no glory in killing, no love in the act itself. Defending the weak and those you love...there's always righteousness there.

So...when someone says they're anti-war...I wonder how much thought they've put into it. War is merely a physical conflict. War, as I see it, could be between two people. If someone attacks you will you not defend yourself...oh, but I thought you were anti-war. Anti-war based bands are my favorite. Kids who have never been near a battlefield much less studied war are against it. They must also be against helping and defending the weak from oppression? I don't know...sometimes I get a bit "hot under the collar" when I think about people (Hollywood) making broad anti-war statements.

So, I'm not "pro-war"....but I'm surely not anti-war either.

in a rut...

I went to Kearney this weekend for a friend's birthday party. It was great to see everyone again...it's only been a couple weeks, but it feels like a lot more. For me, it was great to get out of Lincoln. I've been working for a couple weeks now and my schedule has become redundant. I get up, work, eat a sandwich for lunch, water my garden, relax, sleep, and begin it all over again the next day. I look forward to weekends and dread Mondays. I feel that my weekends are my freedom...my liberty...something on the weekend has to recharge me for the new week ahead. This week, I was recharged by meeting with my friends from Kearney. I had some great conversations and felt the close bond of friendship that I haven't felt in a couple weeks...encouraging...I can face the week now I guess.

At work I carry bricks and shovel mortar all day. I am ordered around by guys who most likely don't have a college degree (that makes them no better nor worse than me...but it is humbling). I am reminded daily of the purpose and value of education. My body is getting used to the work...my mind has learned to tune out the random use of the f-word (in each its unique uses) and I gained a new appreciation for those who work with their hands. There's nothing better than to finish a day of work and to feel like you finished a day of work. I've had jobs that were more mentally challenging...but less fulfilling.

At work I make sure the mortar on the mortar boards is good and moist...if it gets too moist it becomes sloppy and useless...too dry and it becomes stiff and useless. You have to keep enough water on the mortar to give it the right consistency and to keep it useful. When we mix up the mortar on the boards with water, we call it giving the mortar a "shake up"...sometimes they even say an "f-ing" shake-up...I think they mean the same thing?

Anyway, I've come to see that life is quite a bit like mortar. Some just sit in the same spot, get in a rut, and never get a good shake up. They never try anything new...never add any water to their lives...things become stale, and they become stiff and useless for God. Those people are in a rut. They can't handle change anymore because they have come to be comfortable in the status quo...what they need is a good "shake up". I find that I want to do this in life...shake things up. Today on the way to Beatrice from Kearney, I decided to take a more scenic route to Beatrice and avoid the interstate. I didn't know exactly where I was going, but I made it through. In that time, the new scenery inspired new thought and it was actually a pretty liberating experience. If defied my normal status quo and shook something up...I avoided my routine for something mysterious and out of the ordinary...I avoided a rut and the dangers of becoming stiff and useless. This summer, my weekends will be used to shake things up from the monotony of the week...I want to go do a prison outreach, go to Mexico...travel in the U.S....something, anything other than routine. My friend Josh and I were looking at prices of Hostels in Mexico, Dublin, and France...how much it would cost to backpack across Europe...to throw off all the burdens of my daily routine to keep me fluid and excited about life...when I'm excited about life, I'm useful.

I think we can also help shake up the lives of those around us. I think we can do this by doing random acts of kindness...do something to brighten someone else's day...if they expect it, it doesn't count. Mow your neighbor's lawn...shovel their sidewalks in the winter...bake for them...something, anything to break the monotony of life. Living the Christian life is full of adventure...who will you help today? How will you help them...what will you do to brighten their life...I'm convinced the Christian lifestyle is the most adventurous of all.

There is danger, however, of becoming too spontaneous to the point of becoming sloppy and also useless. Life needs structure, reason, and purpose. Without a purpose to sponteneity, what's the point? Structure allows for effective and efficient use of action to shake up others.

So, I want to live a life that is spontaneous with structure. Like perfectly tempered mortar, I want to be shook up so that I can be useful for God...

Death Penalty

I've always been for the death penalty. Through studying it in political science, however, we found that it actually costs more to put someone to death (due to a long line of appeals) than to keep them alive in prison. Still, however, I find myself calling for the blood of brutal killers...and, for a time, I wished to extend the sentence to sexual criminals. I saw these people as unreformable (is that a word?) and as better off dead.

Recently, however, I find myself not so bloodthirsty. I find that Jesus would not have had the death penalty. As he was up on the cross, he said "Father forgive them for they know not what they do." Utterly amazing. Of anyone who deserved to die...those who actually physically killed the Christ...and Christ himself says to spare them....wow. Who am I to call for the blood of a fellow human?

My views also altered after I spent some time with prisoners on an outreach in Kansas (and I hope to go again this summer). That period of time (though only a couple hours) changed my view of prisoners forever. Surrounded by murderers and rapists, I found people in our society that are remembered only for the worst things they've ever done (all while the worst things I've ever done are kept secret or are not considered "crimes" in our nation). Ghandi said "an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind." Interesting quote. While I looked at these prisoners and had a chance to share with them, I found people. People that God still loves...and I saw a reflection of myself in their faces...I related to the prisoners. It's about time I did that. Barabbas was the first person spared because of Jesus. In Barabbas' place the innocent Christ was slain...we should all be able to identify with the murderous Barabbas. Jesus did the same for us, didn't he? Matthew 27:11-26

So, as a Christian I now wish to extend grace to those who are at the mercy of the state because grace was first extended to me. In calling for the death penalty, I feel as if I would only be calling for my own death. Though I deserve that...Jesus had another plan...

Question #1 and #2

I wrote down my questions on a previous blog and I think I'm going to start answering them....

Question #1: If you had to pick a way to die, what would it be and why?

I've been asked this before...generally shortly before I'm asked "what would be the worst possible way to die?"...I've got some ideas there, but as for the best? I've always thought the perception of death in the United States and presumably European nations, was interesting. Death is so often feared, even by Christians who should have the most hope in death. Is it the pain we fear or the unknown...both?

I thought Socrates's thoughts in the Apology were interesting when I read them...he's basically telling those who wish to put him to death that fear of death is fear of the unknown (for all we know, death is a blessing...). Here's a quote:

Let us reflect in this way, too, that there is good hope that death is a blessing, for it is one of two things: either the dead are nothing and have no perception of anything, or it is, as we are told, a change and a relocation for the soul from here to another place.

For me, however, I fear death because of the pain...the physical pain of my body shutting down and the emotional/spiritual pain of letting go of those I love. I guess at a point in my life I would have said that I would want to die a painless, long death. Painless because pain is what scares me about death and long because I would want to tell others how much I love them. Then there was a point when I would have liked to die in battle...a glorious death...my own glory, however. Now, I am more in the mindset that instead of having a long death to be able to tell someone how much I love them, I would rather die to save them and show them. I've become convinced that words do so little in expressing true love. Jesus also said that there is no greater love than to die for your friends. I would also be up dying for the Gospel...though that would most likely hurt and that does scare me.

Question 2: If you could meet up with one person from your past that you have lost touch with, who would it be and why?

For this one I thought a bit...and then came up with a quick answer. I would undoubtedly go back and meet up with Thomas Miller. Had you known me in 2nd grade, this would have been my last answer. Thomas and I fought every day at recess, both physically and verbally. We would both also scheme to try to get each other in trouble in class.

Thomas and I, though we shared the same name, were very different. He grew up on the wrong side of the tracks, was rough around the edges, and had a poor homelife. I, on the otherhand, had a good Christian home life, a nice house, and was clean cut (though my actions were far from Christian...you may think that I am being too hard on myself as a 2nd grader...believe me, I knew better. Don't ever let anyone know that kids are too young to understand morality...I knew). For whatever reason, Thomas and I clashed every day.

I remember one time in 2nd grade when I took out a large piece of scrap paper during "Drawing Time" and wrote a giant note: "I HATE YOU....from your secret haterer" meant for Thomas. (it was around Valentine's Day) Then I drew a pretty (or so I thought) picture for my teacher...probably had a sun, birds, and hearts on it...see, I knew what I was doing. Then, I went over to Thomas's desk and quietly slid the picture meant for him into his desk (they were fold up desks) and then put the other one on the teacher's desk...and returned happily to my seat. When I came in from recess that day (surprisingly a peaceful one), our teacher said she wanted to talk to us...I figured Thomas had ratted me out, though I didn't sign my name. The teacher, however, informed us that someone had left a note that said "I HATE YOU" on her desk and she displayed it to the class...."MORON!" I thought to myself. How could I have switched them? The teacher said that she would like to speak to whoever left the note after class...I think she wanted to mend the situation...or supposed situation.

That's one of the stories I remember from Thomas. I learned early on that hating people makes you do strange...moronic things. Now, I find it better to love and pray for enemies...not to heap coals on their heads...but because Jesus would have, and even did from the cross. I wish I could go back to my 2nd grade classroom and become friends with Thomas. Now I realize that the kid didn't really have much of a chance growing up...a poor homelife where Jesus was probably only known as a swear word. I think about Thomas every now and then and wonder what happened to him...and what could have happened if we had become friends. If only the kid had some kind of social support system. Kids can be mean...and that's no excuse. I'm ashamed of the way I acted back then.

These days I can't think of anyone who is a blatant enemy (on my end...I'm sure there are people who don't like me, but I don't let it get me down unless I've sinned against them). Life without enemies is so much easier. It's so easy to stay on task that way, with your energies in the right direction on the right path...I just hope that Thomas found the path.

being alone...and some more thoughts on love

I've come to discover over the past few days that being alone is not so much of a bad thing. Though I do love being around friends and hanging out with people...sometimes you need time to just unwind and be...alone. This past week has been kind of a blur. I get up at 6, get ready for work (which includes driving there...takes forever to get anywhere in this town!), and work from 7 to 3:30...then I water my garden, take a shower, and start cooking. Usually finish that by 6 or so and then I have 4 hours to relax or go get things for the house or do laundry or whatever....until it all starts over again when I go to bed at 10 (ouch...I'm gettin' old). But in that 4 hour time my roomates aren't around a whole lot...though I see them from time to time. And I also have gone to see friends I know in Lincoln and that has been good. But for the most part, its me...me and God.

While I was at UNK, I often was around people all the time...Christians mostly (being that I lived at CSF)...and that was fine with me. When I'm not so busy I feel like I think deeper...especially when surrounded with people I consider true friends. But when alone I get more into reading the Bible and praying. I find that God is my best friend then (which I guess he always is...I just notice it more when alone)...and that's not bad. I think there has to be a midpoint between the two. If you are always alone and with God, then what is the point of life? Whey not die and be with Him then? (I couldn't be a monk). I think a large part of life here on Earth is being with others and investing in them. If I spent all time with others and none with God, however, then I would have meaningless relationships, wouldn't I? Without God's guidance I couldn't really love to my full human extent (without knowing His love, sacrafice, mercy...). I would not really know anything of love...just the love Hollywood sells (and that love I'm sure doens't exist). So, without spending time with God I could not love others and without spending time with others I couldn't share God's love.

So...there has to be time for being alone with God in life...I know Jesus already told us that...but now I'm understanding why. I'm a big "why" person. I love history because it tells me the "whys" of the world. I have a hard time doing anything without knowing first why I am doing it. In everything in my life I want to have meaning and purpose. I rarely do anything "just because" (if at all)...I want depth. That doesn't mean things in my life can't be spontaneous....manifested love is spontaneous, yet it has depth, does it not? It's one of the reasons I hate small talk. I'd much rather just get really personal with someone right away...though our human nature requires some kind of odd trial period where we often use a semi-fake personality to test the waters to see if it's o.k. for the real "us" to come out. Humans are funny, eh? It all has to do with trust in a fallen world...hard to come by. So it's hard for me to meet new people and go through the month, 2 months, or year long process (and sometimes never) before either of us can share on a truly deep level. Why? I don't know why...I'll think about that some more....I guess I'll sleep on it

construction

Update....

I remember when I used to hear the word "update"...and that meant I was watching unsolved misteries with Robert Stack...freaky show....

Anyway, I got a construction job here in Lincoln as a mason tender working for Seedorff Masonry, Inc. We're working on Bryan LGH West...I'm helping put bricks on a side of the building that is 108 feet tall! Today we put up scaffolding all day. Coolest part of my job...my coworker is from Dublin. Nothin' cooler than an irish construction worker. Anyway, I like my job and it should be rewarding...

I've always felt that the most rewarding work I've ever done has been done with my hands...not necessarily with any thought put into it. I love to dig holes (I was a grave digger) and put in fences, mix concrete, and plant stuff (made a garden yesterday). There's something about working outside and with my hands that is rewarding in a way that an office job can't be. It's what they call an "honest" day's work. I feel physically good too...this type of work keeps you in shape. I couldn't help but think about in Genesis when Adam is told that his job is to work with his hands in the fields...I wonder if these types of jobs are so rewarding because that's what our bodies were made for? Could be a stretch...but I know that it is unnatural for us to sit behind desks all day. There's also something to be said about the commaraderie that is built when working next to someone all day. I think the cool part about mission trips is not only the witnessing to others, but working with fellow christians...physical labor with other christians. After working on countless trips I know that I have grown closer to other Christians simply because I sweat and bled with them. Interesting...I don't know what it all means...but there's nothing like going out and getting your hands dirty.

God's Wrath...do we really know what it's like?

I've been reading through Job recently. I have found in my life that those who go through hardships and overcome them are always wise. Therefore, I am working my way through Job because he probably met the most hardships anyone has ever seen (except for Jesus, of course). Socrates said "Employ your time in improving yourself by other men's writings, so that you shall gain easily what others have labored hard for". How much more wise is the man who actually "labored hard" for his lessons? I am confident that Job emerged from his torment a wiser, stronger man.

As I was reading Job, something really jumped out at me. Here is Job with his skin rotting, his livestock slaughtered, his house leveled, and each his children dead, trying to make sense of his situation. He feels the full force of God's wrath (or what God can allow to happen) and this is what he says...Job 9:32-35:

He is not a man like me that I might answer him,
that we might confront each other in court.
If only there were someone to arbitrate between us,
to lay his hand upon us both,
someone to remove God's rod from me,
so that his terror would frighten me no more.
Then I would speak up without fear of him,
but as it now stands with me, I cannot.

Interesting. In all of Job's torment and agony, he calls on Jesus without even knowing His name. We are told that Jesus is a Wonderful Councelor, or a great defense attorney. Jesus is greater than Johnny Cochrane will ever be. Job is asking for someone to be a go-between between himself and the ultimate Judge. Someone who can save him from God's rod...to bring understanding between people and God. I consider it no coincidence that Jesus came to Earth to live as a man so that he could be our defender and go-between...and bring understanding between us and God. Hence, "no one gets to the father except through me"...well, because it's impossible. If Jesus hadn't come, we'd all be in Job's boat...

Remember, Job was considered the most righteous man of his day, drawing the attention of Satan who wished to make him fall. If Job needed Jesus, how much more do we? I wonder if we even know what it's like to live under God's wrath? Since Jesus came I wonder if things have been different...now that we have an arbitrator to "remove God's rod"? Interesting stuff...it makes me realize even more how good we have it. The danger is in becoming spoiled and not retaining a healthy fear of God. He's gracious, but that's a gift/priveledge, not a right.

Good Friends

Saying goodbye is kinda hard sometimes. Not only emotionally, but practically as well. It's hard to be everywhere you want to be and talk to everyone you want to before you leave somewhere. I was thinking about my life on my way home, and I was thinking about parts of my life that I'd like to freeze in time until I lived the moments to the fullest. This past week, I decided would be one of those times in life. Never again will all those people be in the same places in their lives and the same geographical locations. I would like to live the past week over and over again just so that I could do friendships justice with spending one last time with everyone individually before we all go out into the world. It is yet another reminder that relationship are what matter in life and even in ultimately in our faith...relationships, relationships, relationships.

As I drove through Lincoln on my way home from Kearney (Lincoln is going to be my home as of tomorrow), I thought to myself...what a cold city. Tons of people I'll never meet or see again, all driving in different directions to do things they deem to be important (some will actually ultimately prove to be important, most will not). One thing was common among all the people in the cars that surrounded me. They had never seen me nor heard my name...they have no idea (and realistically, nor do they care) about what I stand for, who I am, and what I want to do with my life. What a difference between the people I have grown to know and love in Kearney and those who surrounded me.

I know that life will go on and those who surround me will become friends that I will grow to love as well. Unfortunately, those types of relationships usually take me years to develop (or, atleast a good mission trip). But, nothing could replace those I already know and love. I'll miss everyone from Kearney. God blessed me with great friends in Kearney and I hope He does the same in Lincoln.

25 Questions...

About a year ago...maybe a little bit more...I came to a point in my life where I actually wasn't sure who I was. I had become so caught up in appointments, deadlines, papers, and work that I hadn't taken time to be with myself (sounds strange...but I think it is a growing problem in America, especially with our generation). I became really good at multi-tasking and my schedule was airtight...so airtight that I didn't allow flexibility for God nor reflection time for myself. That's when I decided to write out the following list of questions. In the past year I have been able to go and think deeper than ever before...and I think it's because I ditched things that weren't important to me. If I could give a piece of advise to freshmen here...it'd be: "Pick few things to be involved in and do them well for the glory of God." I was so spread thin that I literally had free time only to eat...not so now, however. Life is better now. So, here are the questions...some are pretty thought provoking and I'd love to sit down with someone and have them tell me their responses...it's just interesting. Just remember, be honest with yourself in your answers...it's the only way to evaluate yourself and make a change where needed...

1. If you had to pick a way to die, what would it be and why?
2. If you could meet someone from your past that you have lost touch with, who would it be and why?
3. If you could only see two people before you died, who would they be and why?
4. What is your greatest goal in life?
5. What has been your greatest accomplishment in life thus far?
6. Who has had the greatest impact on your life and why?
7. If you were given 1 million dollars and had to give it away, who or what would you give it to?
8. What things drive you to succeed in life?
9. What is the general end (reason/purpose) to everything you hope to achieve in life?
10. Who do you wish you could spend more time with and why?
11. What do you look for in the opposite sex aside from physical characteristics?
12. What do you look for in a good friend?
13. Name a time when God has answered your prayer.
14. Name a time when you were able to witness first hand the power/glory/splendor of God.
15. What does “living a good life” mean to you?
16. When do you feel most vulnerable?
17. When do you feel most powerful?
18. If you were placed in a dangerous situation where you had to either rescue a friend or an enemy (and not both), which one would you pick and why?
19. Name a cause that you think is worth dedicating your entire life to.
20. Which of your personal qualities do you wish to pass on to your children and which do you wish to prevent your children from acquiring?
21. If you were given an extra 2 hours in your day (26-hour day), what would you do with it?
22. If you knew a loved one was going to die tomorrow, how would you treat them and what would you do with them?
23. If you could ask God one question, what would it be?
24. If you knew Jesus was returning tomorrow, how would you prepare?
25. If you could share the Gospel with only one person, who would it be and why?

(thanks, Brandon...the 25th question is now up...)

love n' marriage

I was talking with a couple friends tonight about their views on love and marriage. In the Bible, Adam had it made, right? He looks to his left and says, I feel lonely...bam, God provides him with a beautiful creature that loves him. A little more complicated these days.

Some people think that there is "the one"...one person that God made to marry them. Others say that you could find multiple people...it's your choice. That's the far less romantic answer...but as I go through life, I am swayed more to that side. Maybe there is a person God wants me to be with...I'm sure he has a preference...but if I marry someone that he didn't wish that I married, he would still bless the marriage and want it to go on (that was the tought of my friend El). Good thought...but then you have the one God wanted you to marry off without their soul mate...poor soul...then they have to settle (we do live in a fallen world).

The more I think about love and marriage, the less I worry about being single. For what could be one of the first times in my life, I am perfectly content with where I'm at. I entertain the notion of dating...but I don't need someone to fill me right now. As nerdy as it sounds...thinking about deep spiritual stuff all day pretty much keeps my heart busy. I love digging into God's word and finding out what it actually means (without the thoughts of others influencing my decisions). Finding my own faith has been a great joy and I am fulfilled daily by God...a blessing from Him for sure. I love hanging out with family and friends of both genders and talking with them about spiritual stuff...or personal stuff. Truth is...I'm loving people now on a deeper level than I ever have. I'm fulfilled in that. I love investing in people and being invested in. With that...I don't have this burning desire inside to go chase any particular girl. One of my other friends Ra said that she thinks the best way to find a spouse in life is to run as hard as you can towards Jesus...and if someone comes up alongside you...marry them. Good thought. It makes sense. I don't want my future wife to be an idol...I don't want to let myself let her get in the way of my pursuit or worship of God. I want it to be a cooperative thing...where we both work together more like teamates with the same goal (glorifying Christ, not each other).

I want a girl with a Godly purpose...willing to go anywhere and everywhere to serve the Kingdom of God with me. See...until I find this girl, I don't have an interest in dating...from now on, I will not hold the hand of anyone else or kiss the lips of anyone else. And when I think of my previous post about true love and what it means to love (to give all you have for that person...to die for them)...I become saddened by Christians who date non-Chrstians. I am afraid that their significant others have a warped view of true love by the world's standards...too "chick-flicky"...too emotional...to "me-centerd". Without knowing Christ's example of love...how can they show it to you? Without having Christ as they focal point in their life...how can you be teammates for Christ? Sure, you could marry them...but I'm afraid the marriage will be miserable. You don't have the same foundations; neither moral nor spiritual. The relationship will end with both of you scratching your heads...unable to understand each other.

I don't want that. I want a girl who's got my back...and I've got her's. We'll go everywhere together...serve others together...and serve each other. What a picture! I already love my future wife and I don't know who she is. She's the coolest girl I don't know. My teamate, my friend, my sister in Christ, my confidante...I love her already and will continue to do so until I die...

Prayer/Loving Jesus

PRAYER

Prayer...an interesting concept when you think about it. We close our eyes...usually begin "Dear God"...or "Father God"...or "Jesus"...anyway, He knows when we're addressing Him. Yeah, that's what I said...addressing Him. I struggle with the concept of prayer sometimes...not because I don't think it's necessary, it is...but I think the way it is taught is confusing and sometimes...wrong.

Think about it. We get taught that we need to have a "relationship" with Jesus...that we need to read his Word...talk with him...and love him. I'll get to the "love" thing in a bit. First prayer. O.K....so Jesus is our friend. When was the last time you began a conversation with a friend by saying "Dear (name)"? It sounds more like a letter, doesn't it? Doesn't make sense if they are standing next to you, does it? Sounds like you're addressing a friend overseas who may not receive your message right away. Furthermore, you're implying that the person won't respond...it's a monologue. I think there are times to address God like a King...others like he's a friend...most of the time, as a friend. He's right next to us...he's everywhere...His spirit is even inside us. No reason to address him like he's miles away.

Furthermore, I have a problem with public prayer. I rarely get into corporate praying aloud because I worry more about what I say and less about talking to God. I'm sure most Christians feel this way... We get into a circle...the person who volunteers to pray must be Holier than me...and then it begins..."Father God...we just stand before you to day Humbly seeking your providence in our daily lives. God, your word says that we are to be Humble and we struggle with that..." blah, blah blah. Now, I'm not saying the things in the prayer aren't good...but God doesn't need to know what's in His word...(He wrote it). We don't need to have a sermon through a prayer. Prayers are for talking to God...not to make a speech with our eyes closed. So, I rarely volunteer to pray. Also, God knows what we need before we ask...we should still ask...but I don't see a reason for a flowery speech-prayer in front of people. I could be wrong. I also don't agree with sharing prayer needs for attention. If it's a legitimate need...good...we can all pray about it in our own private prayers. If you are in need of money...don't tell people to pray about it, hoping they will feel guilty and give you money (and then say God answered your prayer). Ask for money openly if you need it...pray about it in private.

I once had a kid pray next to me and outloud that I wouldn't care what others think about me...it was a pointed prayer...a scolding (though inaccurate...I don't really usually care what others think, unless they're the one's I love...in this case...nope). C'mon...praying is talking to God, not preaching at another Christian in the circle with you...pray in private.

Don't take it from me...here's what Jesus said...believe what you want:

Matthew 6:5-8

5"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. 6But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. 7And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. 8Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.

So, I pray sometimes formally...sometimes I just sit and ponder God's word...sometimes I read something and I get amazing insights that I could have never come up with...I think that is talking to God. Keeping yourself open to his guidance...asking him for help...repenting and asking for forgiveness...that's prayer. I don't want to babble or be a people pleaser...I want something more...to talk to God.

LOVING JESUS

So, I feel like sometimes I'm pressured to feel some kind of romantic love for Jesus. You know what I mean...an emotional love...some people have it...I just don't get it. When people say "Love Jesus"...what does that mean. Does that mean you actually "feel" a love for Him? I have always kinda struggled with that emotional type of Love for Jesus because, well...I'm a guy. I don't know that I love my friends in an emotional way. They know I have their back...I can count on them and they on me. I'd go through Hell and back for them...that, to me is love. I've never cried because of my faith...never been overcome with emotion. For me, the way I love Jesus is more of an understanding...a compact...a sacred agreement. He got my back and I'll die for His. He gave a ton for me and I want to be willing to give it all for Him. It's more of a decision for me, I guess, this kind of love. They say in marriage, the feelings come and go...but the decision is always there. You always make a decision to love someone...infatuation is something else. I'm not infatuated with Jesus...I love Him...

I found this passage today that made me have some comfort in the way I think on this subject...sometimes I feel a way and I don't know if it's right or wrong. I love to find a scripture that backs up (or denies) the way I think so that I have an answer...

1 John 3:16

16This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.

1 John 4:20-21
20If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. 21And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.

So, I guess sometimes the way I should show God that I love him is reflecting His love by showing His love to others. This ties in to serving others...meeting their physical needs...and being with them. I read yesterday in Job that when Job had lost all of his children, house, fields, wealth, and had been stricken with a skin disease....His 3 friends came and sat with him...none of them even talked for 7 days...they just sat with him and were there for him. 7 days! That's love.